I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
should my penis look like a turkey
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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