i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
