she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
