haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
