I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
