I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
