I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
