Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
