apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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