Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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