My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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