I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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