I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
They took my balls.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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