Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
