Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
