She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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