I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
