did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
