well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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