What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
