my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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