i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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