she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
