How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
