I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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