god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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