thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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