The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
