call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
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