Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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