My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
