Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
