just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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