advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize