I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
