Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
