I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
