You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
