Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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