Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
