Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude i'm inner monologue high
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My vagina just clenched in fear
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
