i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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