Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
