I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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