Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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