Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
