we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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