The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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