shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
