Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
