It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
