While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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