Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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