i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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