I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
