i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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