Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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