I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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