Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize