She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
