This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
