I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
