I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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