even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
