why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
