Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are the jesus of drinking
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize