I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
